seeing cross's lit up above churches at night makes me see "SINNER" flash before my eyes as I look up at them with trashed eyes.

life is too short to live it any other way.








Spring is here?

Like the sound of footsteps on empty streets on busy streets at 4 in the morning with the rain drizzling and you're walking. The sound of an entire city sleeping, and nothing but the sound of your own feet.

Or the night I was convinced with every bone in my body that I was going to kill her and tried to hunt her down through the SCC parking lots, in my mind beligerent drunk thinking I was a hunter stalking it's prey, and thinking if my life was a movie what the soundtrack would be to the soon upcoming fight scene.


Almost a year of no contact and all of a sudden i'm reading a message in my cell phones inbox that made my entire world freeze. I'd be lieing if I didn't say thoughts of "what if" hadn't played out in my mind dozens of times since then, but in the end things then are the same as they are now. I will get to new york city on my own, I need no ring on my finger as proof. I will be no ones prize. And despite my hidden wanting of living life decadently, I will do so MY way.

I just got this movie

Which will forever be one of the best films i've ever seen without really understanding what was going on.



I made a pledge to start using this more starting at the begining of the year. But nothing has really happened as I have been hermiting myself away due to the cold. I miss people.

I don't remember all of it so this is condensed and if you don't wanna hear it well obviously quit reading it. FYI i always have dreams that are wacked out like this, but few have had any impact on me to terrify me this much.

There was a whole different story to the begining of my dream but since it has nothing to do with the current one I wont bother. Apparently my apartment building is connected to the mall, and not even lincoln's mall but some multi level type place (think mall of america but less big) and you can either take the stairs or use this huge glass elevator thing. And of course theres a limit to how much weight can be in it.


Well i'm in it waiting to go to my floor and it's already quite full and we're all chilling cuz apparently the elevator leaves every certain time (like the city bus) and just when i thoguht it was full enough some GIGANTIC guy walks onto the platform and they get a scale and weigh him to make sure we're all under the max weight limit, i freak out and just opt to take the stairs. I end up in the mall where the main other elevators are closed due to some exhibit going on there and this kid from LNE is there and i'm trying to figure out how to get to my apartment and the security guy says he'll take me and LNE boy comes along as do these 2 other chicks. We have to trek all the way around the place and up red brick stairs which go off into this expensive chateu apartments that the owners of the place had declined me residency of because I kept a pet? Anyway the LNE boy and security guard were at the top of the brick stairs when all of a sudden we see them get attacked visciously by a fucking rabid jackal and so we run back down and try and make it into the parking lot to go use the service glass elevators and the girls are ahead of me and i'm freaking out and i may have been bit i dont remember.

I make it into the service elevator where some nut job girl has decided she's going to live. And puts face paint on me and then injects a shot of jackal pheromone in me to lure the animal to finish me. And then kicks me out of the elevator. Apparently the pheromone is too strong for humans to smell because NO ONE wanted to help me and they all ran away. Finally i guess the smell wore off and someone helped me and they attacked the jackal and I thought all was right with the world. Finally I could head back to my apartment.

I wait in line for the elevator yet again and ride it to the 2nd floor and get off, not realizing I need the 3rd floor. The security guard with us told us to be careful because apparently it wasn't just one jackal out but a whole pack of them and they've infiltrated the mall and apartment buildings. The hall way was trashed and the lights were flickering. After hearing that i tried to hurry up and make it back to the elevator but it was too late. I was stuck on the wrong floor.

This is where the dream has a lot of running around and such in it as I try and perserve my life. I tag along with this one guy who seemed to know what he was doing and also lived on my floor. We broke through to some doors that were SUPPOSED to lead us to the third floor but instead led us into the back room of Spencers in the mall. I walk out the mall and into sunlight and fresh air drenched in blood to find two people with gasoline starting to drench the place, out of another door a dead plastic baby head falls out (what this has to do with anything idk but it scared the shit outta me). Despite all the sunnyness and birds chirping all i wanted was to just be in my own apartment, so I went back to the carnage.

Back inside spencers I found a dog that had gotten into the store from the main hallway through this hole I had missed to see. I startled him and he ran back into the hole and started barking. I knew the rabid jackals didn't want the dog they wanted human flesh so I figured I needed to get the hell outta there ASAP before the whole pack comes to spencers. I lifted up a door that appeared to be an attic door and watched the jackals run past, but didn't close the door fast enough as two had caught me watching and hurled themselves in my direction. I tried shutting the door on them, with their bodys still half in, half out of the store but it was too much, one kept biting my arm and the other was just stuck inbetween it all, i finally hurt both of them and fling them onto the floor of spencers. All i hear is quiet. I figure i'm safe because the jackals must be elsewhere. I open the attic door fast and am halfway out the door when all of a sudden I see all their eyes blink open and they're a foot away from me but were hiding in the shadows, they ALL lung towards me..

then i wake up.

It would make my day if you sent money. Like $1.33

I'm going to start updating this again. Promise.




Just not today.





Tim has court in a few hours. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. Considering the last time he told me not to worry, he went to jail for a few days courtesy of one seth kettlehut. I'm still pissed about that.

That movie gets me every single time.

Damn you bjork.

I'm going to buy a tent and camp out here.

Or for plan b just sit out here the entire night and see if i collect condensation like I see pooled up on all the cars outside.

Experiment. Hypothesis.



This is the begining of the rest of your life.

I have no words tonight, and am all about mirrors as of late. I watched myself washing dishes the other day. Transfixed towards my movements. The way the human body moves. I don't know what I'm rambling about tonight, but do know it's sober talk.

The interesection lights are fucked up over here. If you're going on A street, you have about 10 seconds from green light to red light to make it across, while if you're traveling on 70th street, you have a whole two minutes of green light time. I wonder if that's the way they're set for night time or if that's how they always are. That's ridiculous. Moreso the fact that I just wasted time counting to see all that, lol.

Some nights, some songs fit the night to a T. This is one of those nights.

I'm in a strange mood, and feel like everything is finally...making sense.

I'm done with alcohol.

Vague memories of going to walmart today. Trying to find a martini shaker cuz I felt like having them RIGHT THEN AND THERE. I broke something that was in a box that was handed to me. And steph held me hand as we walked through the store so I wouldn't wander off.

Room spinnin round in circles? uhhhhh.


Dont try and outdrink yourself when you're the only one playing.

So I moved out saturday.

I live on 71st and Adams now.

Cute one bedroom loft.

I'll be back when we finally get internet hooked up, which should be next week.

I just realized how long I have abandoned updating this.

I sign a lease on Thursday. I'll have my own apartment so soon and I'm quite happy about that.

Especially since it'll be the same apartment complex my best friend lives in.

Today (well yesterday, sunday) was my 6 month anniversary.

And I love you baby.

And expect many more anniversaries to come.



P.S.

I'm going on a trip to Cali soon. And I have NO idea how I feel about that truthfully.

August 10th.

The day i will hopefully be signing a lease, and hopefully if still vacant, be moving into the bottom apartment in ryans building.

I love that kid.

When i was younger I was convinced only one of us would make it out of this house alive.





Those same thoughts are still ringing true to this day.

This house is always pulsing with secrets











My jaw doesnt want to open and move about in an open and close manner. And my teeth say they agree.




I'm not grasping my phone bill from sprint. I've already paid it before I received the mail version of my bill but it makes no sense. The total is far more than I had to pay, yet all these deductions were listed. And $70 for using the internet? whaaaaat?





Why would someone not include punctuation marks in their entire book. WHY. I dont know who said what. Well i do, but it makes it that much more difficult right now.

It's the calm [him] before the storm [me]

Does anyone know the name of the other site similiar to netflix but is more geared towards foreign movies?

I cant for the life of me think of it and I need to get some movies cuz netflix sucks ass for foreign films

Sleep never comes.

I've been trying to balance everything and I'm running on empty.

Exhausted.

24 hours is just not enough for everything.

Playing:
PS2: Need for speed underground 2
PSP: Lumines and Medevil

Listening to:
Cursive (new album)
Atmosphere (overcast)
The brian jonestown massacre (take it from the man)
Fischerspooner (odyssey)
Sufjan stevens (avalanche)

Reading:
Requiem for a dream
Vogue (american and australian)

I feel like going shopping for apartment stuff. Decor and whatnot. I bought this chair yesterday that came in random colors and I was so tempted to get it in electric hot pink because it would have stuck out in the apartment like a sore thumb.

My bleed problem is about 2x worse than yesterday if that's even possible. If it's still going on by monday i'll go to the hospital. I just want to wait it out and see if there's something really wrong or if i just have some crazy period.

I should probably eat too with all the blood loss. But I dont have the hunger for food. At all.



Wish me luck and that I dont die by monday.

kthanxbye

The weight loss pills were a good idea, oooh for about two days. Then I get my period right out of the blue, or at least i hope it's my period even though I just had it recently. All i know (and oh noes beware tmi) is that I've been bleeding profusely all day today. Moreso then any heavy period I've ever had. I just hope those pills didn't screw me up internally and now i'm paying for it.




I'm officially a shopping addict. The exchange of currency for lovely goods gets me off. Well not really..but I like spending money. A lot. And a new catalog came today in the mail filled with lovely clothes and I want everything listed. Everything.

Hell that's basically almost my sole reason of getting another job. That way 1000 goes for rent/util/etc stuff. And the other 1000+ from wra would go to pretty clothes and shoes.






I live in a land of make believe.